Performance review: the Sun

Employee: The Sun Department: Sky Tenure: approximately 4.6 billion years Reports to: — Review period: annual Reviewer: withheld at reviewer's request

#Attendance — Exceeds expectations

Flawless. The Sun has never missed a day. Not once, not in four and a half billion years, not during the reorganisation.

We are obliged to mark this as a strength and we are doing so. We would also note, for the file, that when this was raised in the review meeting the Sun's response was to continue being extremely bright, which the reviewer logged as "not the flex it thinks it is."

#Punctuality — Exceeds expectations

Arrives before everyone. Every day. Has never once arrived with the team.

The reviewer has characterised this as "aggressive" and we have declined to soften the language because two other employees independently used the same word.

#Communication — Does not meet expectations

The Sun broadcasts constantly, on every available channel, at a volume that cannot be adjusted by the recipient. This is not communication. Communication requires a return path.

It cannot be muted. It cannot be marked as read. Attempts to establish boundaries — curtains, blinds, a hand — are treated as obstacles rather than as feedback, and are outlasted.

#Teamwork — Concerns raised

The Sun does not delegate. Everything goes through the Sun. When asked to identify a single task it had handed off in the review period, it named none.

The Moon has raised a concern. We have logged the concern. We want to be careful here because the Moon's concern is, on inspection, that it does not get to do anything by itself and that everything it is known for is technically borrowed, and our read is that this is a Moon issue rather than a Sun issue. But it is in the file now and the Sun should be aware of it.

#Receptiveness to feedback — Does not meet expectations

This is the section.

In July, the Sun was asked, informally and pleasantly, to bring it down in shared spaces.

It escalated.

We want to be precise, because this will be referenced: the request was reasonable, the tone was warm, and the response was thirty-nine consecutive days of the worst behaviour on record. The Sun's position, when we finally got it in a room, was that it had not been given a specific number. We had not given it a specific number. We accept that. We would suggest that a mature employee does not require a number to understand "please, we are begging you."

#Goals from last review

Goal	Status
Reduce intensity in shared spaces	Not met
Respond to at least one email	Not met
Take a single day off, as a gesture	Not met
Allow one (1) meeting to be held outside	Not met

#Self-assessment

Left blank.

Reviewer's note: "The Sun does not self-assess. I left the form on the desk for a week. It faded."

#Promotion readiness — Not eligible

There is nothing above it. This has been explained to the Sun on four separate occasions and each time it has received the news well, which the reviewer finds more unsettling than an argument would have been.

#Reviewer's closing comments

It is very good at the job. I want that on the record before anything else, because everything below it is going to read as ingratitude and it isn't.

It is very good at the job. It has never asked for anything. It has never been thanked, not properly, not once, not by anyone in the entire history of the department, and it has not mentioned this, and it will not mention it.

It is also the reason we cannot have the meeting outside.

Both of these are true and I have spent the review period discovering that I am not able to hold them at the same time. That is my failing, not the Sun's. I have marked myself down accordingly.

#Outcome

Retained. No action. Next review in one year, which the Sun will attend, early, without being asked.

If you'd like to look at one from a survivable distance, we keep several in master blaster. They are much better behaved out there, mostly because they are extremely far away, which is a lesson the Sun has declined to take.

Related: the office fridge — another survey of a shared resource nobody is willing to confront.